Episode 19 - Less Temple, More Prayer House

The place of advertising in this society is vastly over indexed - the mere presence of a self nominated claim of 'World's Best' or even 'Number 1' really should automatically disqualify said product from contention. The same goes for celebrity endorsements. In the same way a small dog will always try and intimidate a larger dog before running like hell. In the same way a tattoo across your chest that reads 'Hardcore' isn't - if somebody has to tell you this, then it's because their actions don't justify it. With this front of mind, much of the building sized billboards and signs around LA should be removed or painted over. For the record, Tommy's Burgers on Hollywood Blvd, are NOT 'the best in the world'. Similarly, the vast queues for 'the best chili dogs in the world' at Pinks are being mislead. Somebody really needs to moderate these false prophecies.

Living the Hollywood dream, we decide it could pay handsome dividends to investigate acting classes as recommended by Sam's agent. With stars in our eyes and open minds, we attend an introductory lesson with a 'world famous' acting teacher. It's been 16 years since possibly the worst Year 8 'Midsummer Night's Dream' amateur drama production ever staged, and I think I've finally laid those Lysander demons to rest. But tingling nerves are soon soothed upon the realisation that acting is at its essence performing a role in a believable manner, and no disrespect to any fine actors, but most people do this every day at work and at home, so I feel buoyed. A video replay in front of the whole class of a scene each person performed earlier soon extinguishes the bright lights in my eyes...

Instead, my Hollywood aspirations shift to the more technical elements of film production - such as location scouting. Armed with a Star Map, I commence a quest to identify every location in LA film history - starting with iconic Los Angelian films ‘Swingers’ and ‘LA Confidential’. This quest soon hits paydirt as I recognise my favorite Par 3 Golf Course in Swingers, and then the house two doors down from ours in a pivotal LA Confidential scene! A trip to Mann's Chinese Theatre to see 'Bondi Sam' in the latest Terminator blockbuster (and enjoy the rollercoaster-esque motion and sound responsive 'D-Box' seats), features our favourite star gazing location, Griffith Park Observatory - granted it is made out as an apocalyptic dump, but we are there most days!

It is a fact, that such a vast amount of popular culture has it's genesis in and around LA, that every street sign, suburb or beach seems to feature in an internationally known song or movie - or somebody who stars in them OD'd or was arrested there. We are inside a living, tangible and wildly interactive pop exhibit, where anything can and does happen!!

Bearing this in mind and exuding 'star quality' coz 'that's how we roll', we spend an afternoon rolling around the beachfront of Venice. Whilst stopped to view the one of the many groupings of distinctive sub-cultures that frequent the region (in this case, middle-aged disco fanatics, who've been unable to rollerskate out of the late 70's...), a talent scout approaches Sam for a legit modeling job. This kinda thing happens everyday - just not to me!! We keep on cruising into the tight streets of the Venice Canal developments, where ducks have right of way and they know it. It takes enormous self-restraint to not push a women into the algae green water who comments that 'they look just like canals at the Venetian in Vegas...' Last time I checked, Venice Italy was not in Nevada? FAIL

Speaking of falling in, during a visit to the infamous La Brea Tar Pits (conveniently located on Wilshire, a couple of miles from La Brea - damn San Andreas fault and tectonic movement!) we debate how it was possible that 1,000's of sabre tooth tigers and wooly mammoths could have met their sticky end here - also hip-hop legend Notorious B.I.G was shot nearby (despite rumours and his girth, he did not get stuck in the pit!). Sam really didn't believe that intelligent animals would stray into the tar and become stuck, when it was obviously black and bubbling, to which I replied that over 1 million bones had been extracted from these pits, so clearly it had happened. To settle our archeological argument, Frosty the Tiger puts her hand in the tar to prove her point, and proceeds to spend the next few hours trying to remove this extremely sticky, oily trap! Evolutional irony...

It has been a full 24 hours without seeing Drew Barrymore, so to get our celeb on we attend a live taping of the Jimmy Kimmel Show. Either my long legs or Sam's get us seated front row in breathing distance of Jimmy and his studio band, meaning as they pan in to Jimmy's desk after ad breaks, I can distinctly make out my XL head obscuring part of his desk. Hey Mom, I'm on TV...! The genuinely hilarious Will Ferrell is an awesome celeb 'scalp', and the much hyped appearance of rapper Eminem turns out to be a pre-recorded segment, but still doesn't disappoint. They premiere Jimmy and Eminem's new track 'Briefcase Joe' about an upper class white kid and his high school struggles, which has been getting radio play in LA - apparently signaling the end of Eminem's rep. Here's a lil' sumtin sumtin from the show:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1lgUwHyKQQ A pleasant evening is completed when the studio band leader (formerly the front man of ska-punk band The Mighty Mighty Boss Tones) takes a distinct liking to my beautiful fiance, even going so far to whisper in Jimmy Kimmel's ear, followed by them both staring at her blatantly - ah my girl, she makes me so proud! A-List respect!!

Whilst slowly sipping our $50 round of drinks (2 drinks that is - not even cocktails...) at the 'utterly fabulous' Mondrian SkyBar, perched overlooking the less fortunate from the West Hollywood Hills, we philosophise some of the paradoxes of LA. Incalculable wealth in the hills, yet homeless people begging at the traffic lights. Or more relevant to us, the organic health phenomenon living alongside the ample avenues of LA debauchery. Running through the canyons and mountains of Griffith Park in the morning, and then enjoying the occasional big night out later that day, leaves us perturbed. LA - glamorous by night, sweaty in the morning! Lucky then that I view my body less as a temple, and more of an occasional prayer house. But it is also highly useful as an entertainment park... D