Episode 22 – The Fish Suicides

My new mantra, which I found scrawled on the back of a Barney's Beanery (the last place Janis Joplin visited before her death) toilet cubicle, is 'You are exactly where you are meant to be'.

So I do find it interesting that I end up at an audition for a Steel Panther music video. We had heard about these guys before we arrived. A glam rock, tongue in cheek, 80’s throwback band. So I thought it would be fun to get to know them a little better. The casting was filled with industry types – the adult entertainment industry that is. The questions asked at the audition included: ‘would you simulate felatio or sex?’ and ‘have you slept with anyone famous’. Answering no to all of these questions I was quite surprised when I got cast as one of the band member’s girlfriends. Perhaps fortunately the shoot dates conflicted with another job I had for Asics and I was not able to shoot the video.

The metamorphosis from this ‘industry casting’ to ‘biker mole’ is minimal as we eagerly begin our Highway 1 Road trip to Monterey on a Harley Davidson Road King. Our first stop - lunch at Geoffrey’s in Malibu (pronounced Joffreys darling), where our view is obstructed by the damn Marine layer which has also brought the temperature down 20 degrees, I look down at my summer dress with disdain.

From cruising the wharf at Santa Barbara we made our way to San Simeon, where frostbite attempted to settle in. The unexpected inclement weather in the middle of summer just one day off solstice made sandals on a motorbike a fairly absurd idea. The next morning my boy rides off for petrol and like a knight on a metal stallion returns with Christmas tree socks and a red ‘Cow Town’ jumper. Both of which I am thankful for despite the obvious smudge on the sophisticated polish I like to pretend I possess. It does make it easier to concentrate on the scenery though, rather than my arctic blue extremities.

It is easy to marvel at the number of Eucalypt trees on our drive. This is an introduced species, much like Australian Entertainers, who are only just tolerated by the locals. The road winds up the Coast of Big Sur like a languid serpent. The dramatic cliffs and coast line are breathtaking. The Elephant seals at San Simeon and sea lions at Monterey steal our hearts. Driving back home at night we are thankful for the warmth of the LA smog. We managed to ride 820 miles (or 1320 km) in just over 2 days. What can you say about that, just one thing really - numb posterior!

We are confronted with a devastating scene when we open the door of our apartment. A double suicide, our fish had separation anxiety and had committed suicide. My mother will later relate that we were quite de’fish’ent in our care – ‘Boom tish’…S